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[icon] i admit...
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Time:09:16 am
Current Mood:boredbothered
I admit....

...that I feel really fucking dirty after last night. In the baddish way. Hanging out with a friend at her guy's house turned way more interesting than it should have.
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Time:12:41 am
Current Mood:determineddetermined
I'm sorry. I posted one comment already, but I need to put this somewhere.

. . . that I'm really, really afraid of everything.
That I love you, and you love me, and this is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in but everything is so heavy and you're so serious. And you don't know how you're going to pay for college but you want to fly across the continent and visit me and spend the summer together? That you're going to -that we're both going to get into massive debt if we walk this path? That there is virtually no way that we're going to go and get creative writing degrees and succeed anywhere but our own heads? That starving artists aren't romantic as they sound? That I don't want to end up as my grandmother in a little whitewashed house an no hope of anything more? That you're going to do something very stupid and I don't want you to do it for me? That you're too good for that? That I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else and when they tell me, 'he'll forget about you as soon as he goes to college and you've got one more year,' I know it's not true? I know it? All those imbalances in relationships we would write poetry on, that those seem to have faded away? And I know there is something really deep here? That I'm afraid this is going to be some stupid gossip-girl cliche where I'll have to give you up for our own good? That I should chose my future over love?
I refuse! Universe, I refuse! You said that time was irrelevant - Nobakov: "I must confess, I don't believe in time." And that you chose to believe in our love rather than time, you didn't care if it was a year until we could speak face to face, the open grass, the stars. Perhaps it's that pigheadedness in me again -today someone called me fiesty and that made me happy because a year ago I was so silent they only knew I was skinny and made of angles with no boobs - maybe it's because I'm secretly feisty, but I want to fight. I chose love.
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Time:12:34 am
. . . I'm really, really afraid that next year we'll be too old for summer.
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Time:05:00 pm
I'm glad I'm not eating dinner tonight.
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Subject:I admit...
Time:09:40 pm
Current Mood:calmhonest.
I am indeed one of those spoiled princess types. Not in the rich way. In the sense that I don't get my way and I throw temper tantrums until I do. Its immensely immature and really the only time my temper comes out to play. I put on this nasty bitch face and attack, all the while paying no mind to whats being said or how much it hurts or if I'll regret it later. I'm a lasher. An uncompromising, selfish LASHER.

I tend to live by the whole "lifes too short" mentality, however skewed my version of it may be.
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Time:07:11 pm
... that this isn't fair.
... that I deserve happiness, but feel like I ALWAYS hit road blocks.
... that I just want to be happy, and it never seems to work out as simply (or easily) as it should.
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Subject:I admit...
Time:12:45 pm
...that I did love him no matter what I tried to tell myself or others.
...that I still love him even with everthing that happened.
...that  I'm probably crazy for still loving him.
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Subject:I admit...
Time:03:37 pm
... that he's got me questioning myself and my worth, even though I swear he doesn't. (It was a short relationship, after all.)
... that it sometimes hurts to be alive.
... that I really, really wish I could find something more, something that would make me feel alive again.
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Time:01:51 pm
Current Mood:lonelylonely
...that I have problems
...that I need help
...that I am scared shitless of beon honest
...that I have fucked up my family
...that I am not going to type the most important things here
...that I am scared my parents will even read this much
...that I lied my way out of therapy
...that it never stopped
............................................
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Subject:i admit...
Time:12:59 am

  • that the real reason i want to move to china has nothing to do with the culture or the history or the future and everything to do with the fact that it is so far from home. and maybe ill find out who my REAL friends are.

  • that i've slept with 2 people. one was my boyfriend and one was the guy i cheated on my boyfriend with. i felt low and disgusting. and i don't regret it. sadly neither one was any good.

  • that i am a horrible friend and i always wonder why i have friends at all

  • that i want someone to make me feel special and worth something but i don't think that i deserve it

  • that i hate how he sees me as a child. how he won't trust me. i hate how he always calls me a ho and doesn't see how much it actually hurts. i wish that he would see that i can be the girl that he wants. that i am fiesty and edgy and will still be sweet. i wish he'd give me a shot.

  • that i honestly think that i will never get the type of guy i want. i am always the little sister or the dorky friend or just the girl thats always around. im always the one that gets pulled around and dropped when She comes around.  and not matter how shitty She treats them, they always either go back or find another one.

  • that by this time next year i will probably be a certified ho. if they're all going to call me one, might as well get the benifits too.

  • that i hate being told that i am 12. im not. im 19 going on 20. start realizing that. im a woman not a girl.

  • that im serious when i say i am going to get a boob job. as soon as i can i will.

  • that i hate myself. i dont want to be around me and i dont get why other people do.

  • that i hate most of the people i am around. they are fake, annoying, self-rightous, concieted or any combonation of that.

  • that i keep a running tally of mu fuckups so that i know just how much of a fuckup i am.

  • that i think that i am developing an eating disorder and i don't know who to turn to for help. i don't even know if i want help

  • that i've thought about commiting suicide at least once a day for the past 6 months. the only thing keeping me alive is my close friends. i know that if i did one of them would follow and i don't want to take her life too.

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[icon] i admit...
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